5 Talented Actors Who Just Can't Say No

I know, things are tough all over. Even millionaire actors need to eat. Wait, what? Whatever the reason, some thespians feel the desire to shit on their own legacies from time to time. Or, in the case of these five examples, a lot of the time. Here are five actors that need to fire their agents.

BEN KINGSLEY


So, you're Ghandi. You have memorable roles in Schindler's List and Searching For Bobby Fischer. What's your next move? Play a hapless scientist in alien killer sex-babe clunker Species? Sure, why not? It's all good, you redeem yourself by playing one of the all-time great cinematic assholes, Don Logan, in the criminally underrated and unseen Sexy Beast. Wait, who's on the phone? Oh, it's Uwe Boll. He wants you to star in BloodRayne. You know what? Throw The Love Guru in there too. Jesus, man. Stick with Scorcese (Shutter Island, the upcoming Hugo) from now on.

ROBERT DE NIRO



Holy cannoli, where to start? I guess when you star in two of the greatest films of all time in the same year (Heat and Casino) you lose all ability to choose good roles to play. Seriously, what since Ronin has lived up to anything before it? Rocky & Bullwinkle? Righteous Kill? Parents, Fockers, where does it end? Sad, really.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN


While Christopher Walken has found a new generation of fans with his stints on Saturday Night Live, his film output hasn't been nearly as impressive; it's funny, but in a "your dog has cancer" way. OK, so it's not really funny at all. Anybody catch Click? Balls Of Fury? Gigli??? Walken tempers his bad choices with occasional great roles (Catch Me If You Can, Kill The Irishman) but the man needs more cowbell, less horseshit.

OWEN WILSON


Wilson and his brother Luke started off evenly with the enjoyable and interesting Bottle Rocket; while Owen didn't end up bloated and doing phone provider commercials, his C.V. reads like a bipolar patient's mood swings. For every Royal Tennenbaums there's a Shanghai Knights, for every Wedding Crashers a rom-com Kate Hudson abomination. The voice of Marmaduke, dude? Was that necessary? Other than a great turn in Woody Allen's recent Midnight In Paris, Owen Wilson looks like he might end up joining his brother in corporate-shill hell.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON


If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Film Review: Crazy Heart

Everything about this movie screams "Oscar fodder", and maybe it is, but that doesn't prevent Crazy Heart from being a fantastic piece of work. Jeff Bridges owns the lead role; he's not so much acting as living the part of Bad Blake, an aging journeyman country singer trying desperately to hold on to something that resembles a future. Part of the film's appeal is its simplicity; the previous sentence sums up the plot. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's predictable, but from the start this is obviously a redemption story. You might know what happens next, but it's how the characters get there that keeps you involved.

Many people have referred to this as a country music version of The Wrestler, and there is some merit to that. Bad Blake is over the hill, broke, and doing gigs that are beneath him. Along the way he meets a woman (more on that in a bit) that gives him a glimmer of hope, but like everything else in his life it goes wrong.

No one but Jeff Bridges could have played this role. His appearance is full-on Nick Nolte: disheveled, haggard and rambling. The fact that Bridges is a singer/guitarist himself helps tremendously during the band scenes. There's nothing I hate more in a movie than when an actor obviously has no clue what to do with an instrument. Bridges delivers Blake's lines like I imagine he would if you were to meet him on a street corner in real life. Crazy Heart has that '70s indie cinema downer feel, the lovable loser audiences have been rooting for since Paper Moon.

Robert Duvall and Colin Farrell turn in great supporting roles; Farrell was unexpected (he wasn't top-billed and barely glimpsed in the trailers) and only in two scenes but showed that when he wants to be, he can be a great actor. He plays Tommy Sweet, Blake's popular protege and sonic rival. The music itself should be considered a lead role; T-Bone Burnett crafted some amazing songs for this movie, and both Bridges and Farrell sung the songs in the film.

The only gripe I have is Maggie Gyllenhaal as Jean, Blake's love interest. She's an OK actress but, as a friend once put it, her face looks like it's painted on a kneecap. I suppose the bar shouldn't be set too high though, considering Blake is a 57-year-old alcoholic burned-out country singer.

First-time director Scott Cooper has set the bar high for his future; not since P.T Anderson's Sydney has a director shown so much potential right out of the gate. Cinematographer Barry Markowitz must be given his due as well. The large expanses of open country are captured beautifully, giving the film almost a Western feel at times. And really, that's what Crazy Heart is: a lone cowboy, searching the land for redemption.

Film Review: Youth In Revolt

Michael Cera has built a pretty successful career around being awkward. From Arrested Development to Superbad to this film, playing the gawky kid has worked to his advantage. Even though it was only released a few weeks ago, Youth In Revolt has all but disappeared from theaters and hasn't even recouped the cost of production yet. Odd, considering I would say this is Cera's best acting performance in film to date. Let me explain.

Most people want to see the Michael Cera from Year One, another George Michael Bluth character to set up in awkwardly funny scenes. There is plenty of that in Youth In Revolt, but it's everything else that will turn off the masses. Really, if you describe his Nick Twisp character to the average moviegoer ("he's a sixteen-year-old who loves Sinatra and Fellini, and he makes fun of futurist poetry!") they're going to be confused, not amused.

But a big part of why this movie works is that it wasn't made for everyone; it really feels like it was made for writers. The characters speak with an overly-abundant vocabulary for no particular reason, everyone writes in journals and lines are delivered with all kinds of wordplay. The plot is simple enough - eccentric boy meets eccentric girl, girl rejects him, boy creates psychopathic split personality - but it takes the old standard story and puts it through a grad school writing group. Think of it as a nerdy teenage Fight Club.

Unfortunately Youth In Revolt will probably get lumped in with the lesser Napoleon Dynamite, but it's so much more than your typical "quirky indie comedy". The pace and timing are spot on, and with dialogue like this - "I'll only ask once that you and your adorable sweater step away from the door. " - it's a necessity. Zach Galifinakis, Fred Willard and even Justin Long turn in great supporting roles, and Ray Liotta apparently reprises his Asshole Cop role from Observe & Report. See this movie.

A paradox...

Everyone bitches about "best of" lists, but all the same people eat them up like rock candy laced with crack. It's more like an excuse to unleash their awesome taste and superior opinions on the masses. I've done them, and I'm bored as shit with them. But there's a little bit of OCD nagging deep in my cerebellum, so I feel like I need to throw something out there. In lieu of rattling off a bunch of movies/albums/whatever from 2009, here are a few things from the past year I really enjoyed:

Best Beard Metal Album of 2009: KYLESA - Static Tensions


Yeah, I said it. Better than Baroness, Mastodon, 16, and whatever other sludge you can sling my way this year. Kylesa have discovered the perfect storm of riffs, melody and song structure that their peers just couldn't seem to find. This is the South on the rise.

Funniest new TV show of 2009: THE LEAGUE


F/X has been a reliable source for original programming for years, and The League keeps the winning percentage high. Success with shows like this come down to two things: good writing and comedic timing. If you haven't seen the "Mr. McGibblets" episode yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? Watch it here. Now.


Best movie of 2009: Inglorious Basterds


Oh shit, I went there. Yeah, The Road and Sherlock Holmes haven't come out yet, but it doesn't matter. Nothing I saw or will see this year can touch the pure cinematic joy of this film. The ghosts of Peckinpah and Sturges haunt the dark corners of this movie. Humor, despair, horror, and redemption woven through some of the most memorable war-movie characters since The Dirty Dozen. You can't go wrong.

The Dead Zone...not the good one.

Yes, we've officially entered the Bermuda Triangle of cinema. Summer blockbusters are gone, which is a relief this year because there was a lot of suck to go around. October came and went without any good horror flicks (in wide release, anyway; if you haven't seen The House Of The Devil yet, get your ass to Mars).

What we have now is empty space until The Road comes along to force a hand down your throat and bring up turkey bile the day after Thanksgiving. (That's a good thing, by the way.) Even more frustrating is that there are some awesome movies out right now that happen to be playing nowhere near the tri-state area. Here are the best 3 films playing in select markets this weekend.

Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans

Nicloas Cage smoking crack, threatening old women with a .44 and dancing lizards. Do you really need another reason to see this? OK, I'll give you two; no, three: director Werner Herzog and Eva Mendes' boobs.



A Serious Man

Joel & Ethan Coen are by far the best film-making duo in cinema; their track record proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt. There hasn't been much coverage for this film, and it's not their best, but it's better than Burn After Reading and definitely worth seeing.



Black Dynamite

Everything about this movie is awesome. Blaxploitation films are even more enjoyable now, in our PC world gone mad. Michael Jai White takes everything great about them and puts it into one baaaad mothafucka. The fact this isn't playing in NYC right now is a crime. If you have a sense of humor and a soul, there's no way you won't love this movie.

October Horror Fest #30: MAY

One of the most promising directors in horror to have come along in the past decade is Lucky McKee. His sense of style and storytelling hearkens back to the heyday of Carpenter, Romero and Hooper. May, his second feature, is a tightly written and brilliantly executed film that follows the titular character on a descent into subdued madness.

Angela Bettis, in a career-defining role, is May, a lonely and painfully shy twentysomething that works in a local vet hospital. Through flashbacks we find that she's had a difficult upbringing and can't relate to people. Her delicate, vacuum-sealed world is cracked when she meets a "perfect" guy (Jeremy Sisto) who has the potential to break her out of her shell and bring her into the real world. A creepy twist shatters the balance and sends May into a downward spiral.



Equal parts Carrie and Cronenberg, May has the atmospheric tension of a stage play. There is no real protagonist, as May becomes more entrenched in her madness, and supporting characters that had no redeeming qualities to begin with start becoming parts for May's grand scheme.

The scariest idea the film brings up is that this is all totally possible. How many of us knew that one girl or boy in school, the antisocial loner, made fun of and ignored daily? What happens to them when they grow up and nothing changes? May could very well be someone you know, just outside your peripherals, waiting patiently for the right person to come along.

October Horror Fest #29: TRICK 'R TREAT

I had heard good things about this movie, but after just watching it now I have to say: this is the best movie about Halloween since Halloween. It really is the quintessential film for the holiday. I don't think I can say enough good things about Trick 'R Treat.

A lot of it has to do with the holiday itself. For me, being a horror fan is directly connected to childhood memories, specifically those from October 31. Whether it was running around the neighborhood for candy, looking for mischief with friends, or scaring myself out of my mind with horror movie marathons after trick-or-treating, the Halloween atmosphere captures that. I think I've been trying to relive those memories in scary movies ever since.

Writer/director Michael Dougherty seems to feel the same way. Trick 'R Treat takes place in a fictional small town in Ohio, but it could be any American suburb, mine or yours. A costume parade, decorations everywhere, and intertwining storylines (a la Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt) concerning those things that go bump in the night.



Unlike its slick Hollywood counterparts, this movie delivers genuine scares and off-the-wall absurdity in an even measure. Nods to the classics are plentiful, but it never comes across as a rip-off or hackneyed. These are original stories (albeit based on a short cartoon Dougherty made in the 80s) and they are executed brilliantly. If Pulp Fiction was a horror movie, Trick 'R Treat would be it.

It's too bad that more people won't get a chance to see this movie. Not only was its release pushed back two years, it went straight to DVD. Meanwhile, mindless shit like Saw VI is #2 at the box office right now. It's a crime. I was going to save this review until Halloween, but I want as many people as possible to check this out. I have no apprehension in saying this is the best horror film of 2009. Go get it!

October Horror Fest #28: INSIDE

I've gotta hand it to the French lately; they are pumping out some seriously good horror films. High Tension, Martyrs, Frontier(s), and this little slice of home invasion terror. These movies are bringing fresh ideas to old standards, and it makes me sad that filmmakers of this caliber are so hard to find in America. The glut of awful PG-13 remakes and "reboots" in this country is not helping them. But for the time being, vive horreur français!

As I mentioned, the plot of Inside is fairly standard for a horror film. A woman is home alone on Christmas Eve, and someone is trying to break in and kill her. The twist is that the woman is extremely pregnant and the person trying to kill her is also a woman. Who just happens to want the baby that's inside her.



Despite being bloody and brutal, what truly sets Inside apart is the tension built throughout the film. The paranoia and unrelenting dread recalls other excellent films with similar elements like Halloween and the original Black Christmas. Beatrice Dalle plays the killer (simply known as "The Woman") and succeeds in being both repulsive and alluring, not unlike the Aunt Ruth character in The Girl Next Door.

This is not an easy film to watch, especially for any woman who may be pregnant. This might sound like a prescription drug warning, but the graphic violence directed towards a woman with child is about as extreme as horror can get. It reminds why we like scary movies to begin with: the primal rush of fear, and true horror hits close to home.

October Horror Fest #27: SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Ray Bradbury is arguably America's greatest living short fiction writer. Since the Forties, he has created fantastic tales of science fiction, fantasy and horror that never seemed to stray too far from our familiar lives. He was particularly adept at capturing the innocence and vibrancy of youth, and that is readily apparent in his novel-turned-screenplay Something Wicked This Way Comes.

Two young boys are drawn to a mysterious traveling carnival that has arrived in their town. Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) is the ringleader, and promises the boys and others that he can make their childhood fantasies come true...for a price.



Disney would never make a movie like this now. It's dark, scary, and very well done. Bradbury adapted his own work for the screen, a surprisingly rare occurrence in filmmaking and a credit to the movie. There are some great performances from the young actors, as well as screen legends Pryce and Jason Robards.

Unfortunately, very few Bradbury adaptations have proved effective. This is by far the standout work. All his odd characters and visual cues are on full display here; the theme of the novel is the basic struggle between good and evil, and director Jack Clayton captures that without being too overbearing. Like Monster Squad and Gremlins, this is a film that has strong ties to childhood and the wonder we had for the world around us. It's great at any age.

October Horror Fest #26: TRICK OR TREAT

Sometimes, a movie can't live up to the coolness of its marketing campaign. Look at that poster; this movie should be badass, right? A rock and roll horror flick with Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osborne? You can't lose! Well, yeah, you can.

What's tragic is that this could have been a horror-metal masterpiece. Caught up in the PRMC-music censorship frenzy of the time, this movie was a middle finger to Tipper Gore & Co. A metal idol, Sammi Curr (basically Blackie Lawless, who was originally set to play the part) dies in a hotel fire. His biggest fan, Eddie, is heartbroken and goes to his DJ buddy (Simmons) for consolation. What he gets is an unreleased Curr record, and when he plays it backwards...party time!



So you have Fastway doing all the original songs, metal legends playing various charcaters, an evil undead metal singer killing everyone off, and Satanic messages coming from the turntable. What could top that? Atrocious acting and lame special effects, that's what. But who cares? This movie is hilarious. Metal fans, especially, will get all the inside jokes and references. (Keep an eye out for the posters on Eddie's bedroom walls.) This is the kind of movie that should be playing during your Halloween house party. It's way out of print on DVD, but that's what eBay is for. Rock out.

October Horror Fest #25: WILD ZERO

The tagline says it all: "Thrill, Speed and Stupid Zombies". It's a bit misleading, because Wild Zero takes a while to actually get going. Is there a plot? Kinda. Something about rockabilly kids, rock club managers in short-shorts and zombies activated by a meteor. It's Japanese, don't try to figure out what's going on. Just roll with it.



For a self-proclaimed "Rock & Roll Jet!" movie, I would expect way more explosions and nudity. But the movie does deliver in a lot of ways. Guitar Wolf, "the greatest rock band in the world", play themselves, helping out fanboy Ace fight off zombies and get the girl. Actually, this movie is kind of like a 100-minute music video. It's comprised of multiple sections rather than a cohesive storyline.

These are real-deal zombies too, the stumbling kind that hunger for flesh. There's a little too much CGI blood towards the end, but overall the effects are pretty fun and visceral. Crack open some beers and enjoy.

October Horror Fest #24: DON'T LOOK NOW

Criminally underrated and almost always overlooked in most horror overviews, Don't Look Now is a superb psychological thriller on par with Jacob's Ladder and The Shining. There in an unrelenting sense of unease and dread that develops right from the beginning and never really lets up.

Donald Sutherland, in one of his finest performances, is an American vacationing in Venice with his wife (Julie Christie) after the accidental death of their young daughter. They are visited by blind twin sisters, one of whom is a psychic and insists their daughter is still alive. John Baxter (Sutherland) refuses to believe her, but soon starts having psychic flashes of his own and slowly loses his grip on reality.



This is a film I always try and recommend to people. The acting is brilliant; there's actually a long-standing legend that the sex scene between Sutherland and Christie wasn't simulated. How's that for effective? The city of Venice is beautifully captured by the cinematography. Its decaying architecture is the consummate metaphor for Baxter's slow decent into paranoia. The strong use of symbolism is also very well utilized and adds an element of film noir to the film. Another must-have film, not just for horror fans but anyone who lives cinema.

October Horror Fest #23: THE BEYOND

The Beyond is without a doubt Lucio Fulci's peak as a director. After more than two decades of low-budget comedies, giallos and more than a few misfires, Fulci began to hit his stride with Zombi 2. After moderate success with what is now the cult classic City Of The Living Dead, the director decided to further explore the theme of metaphysics. What resulted is a mostly non-linear fever dream of horrific images and gory murder sequences that most fans call his best film.

The plot, which is mostly secondary to everything else, is simple: a woman moves into a hotel in New Orleans that happens to be built over one of the Seven Gates of Hell. (One of the biggest gaffes of the film is that there are no buildings with basements in New Orleans, but that doesn't really matter here.)



This is a perfect example of the 80s Italian horror film: style over substance. It looks great, but don't try to find any great acting or story development. It's all about the trippy images, creepy characters and gore effects. The Beyond has all three in spades, and is essential viewing for any horror fan.

October Horror Fest #22: MASTERS OF HORROR, PART 2

EPSIODE 15: Family

John Landis can do horror-comedy like few others. An American Werewolf In London and Innocent Blood were absurd in their respective situations, but truly frightening nonetheless. Family finds George Wendt in an uncharacteristically psychotic role, and the twist at the end isn't that much of a surprise but it's still pure genius and totally satisfies.




EPISODE 18: Pro-Life

John Carpenter hits gold again, with a film even more sinister and dark than Cigarette Burns. A young girl is trapped in an abortion clinic, and there's something scarier than the people after her. This one gets a little political, which I'm not a fan of, but the effects are top-notch and Ron Perlman rules.




EPSIODE 24: The Black Cat

Tapping another icon of the American literary horror scribes, Stuart Gordon returns with his take on Edgar Allen Poe's story of writer's block and madness. Gordon incorporates details from Poe's own life into the screenplay, and the incomparable Jeffrey Combs plays Poe perfectly. This is definitely the last good entry in the Masters Of Horror series.

October Horror Fest #21: MASTERS OF HORROR, PART 1

Masters Of Horror was a great idea that produced some really interesting and occasionally brilliant short films. The genesis of the project was director Mick Garris, best known for his film adaptations of Stephen King material (Sleepwalkers, The Stand, etc.) He wrote or co-wrote each episode and handed them to his circle of friends-basically every noteworthy horror director alive-and the Showtime series was the result. Carpenter, Hooper, Dante, Argento, they're all here.

Despite the pedigree of talent involved the total output was, for the most part, mediocre. A number of factors could be responsible: the shortened format, the availability of good talent, or maybe the inclusion of some questionable directors (Peter Medak? Really?) Still, it produced some excellent work; here's a guide to the best episodes.

EPISODE 2: H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams In The Witch-House

Stuart Gordon has established himself as the authority on film adaptations of Lovecraft. Since Re-Animator, no one has surpassed him in either quality nor quantity. This version of HPL's classic tale of madness diverges a bit from the original text, but it boasts solid performances from its cast and simple yet effective special effects.




EPISODE 8: Cigarette Burns

John Carpenter almost always writes his own films, so it's interesting to see him interpret ideas from someone else. The subject matter is also unusual for Carpenter: it's more of a murder mystery than a straight horror. But there's plenty of bloodshed and some genuine twists that keep you involved until the very end.




EPISODE 13: Imprint

By far the most controversial episode of the entire series, Imprint is a trippy descent into a haunted man's subconscious, where nothing is as it seems. As the story evolves, everything you discover becomes something else entirely. Takashi Miike is truly the master of subversive cinema. Showtime refused to air this episode because of its truly horrific content; don't watch this on a full stomach.

October Horror Fest #20: WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON

I didn't think I'd be reviewing any movie worse than Children Of The Living Dead or Pieces, but you can't pass up a golden opportunity like this.

Julian Sands is a bad motherfucker. You can tell, because he has a skullet and a British accent. Oh, and he's also the son of Satan. Apparently, there's a few rocks you gotta play with if you want to bring Papa Beelzebub up out of the basement.



If you want ridiculous, you're in for a treat. Cohesive plot? Nope. Cool special effects? Your iPhone can make better ones. Wearing a stone, looking at the moon and being instantly impregnated by Satan? You bet your sweet ass.



The first Warlock actually isn't that bad a movie. You don't expect much, and it doesn't deliver much. But this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 quality stuff right here. You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to find someone overacting as hard as Julian Sands does in this movie. Jesus Christ, he's shooting dudes with his finger and spouting Wild West one-liners afterward. And keeping a straight face. Leave it to a Brit to try and make a z-grade sci-fi/horror thriller into Shakespeare.



Yes, this film is terrible. But it's also awesome. It has slipped the mortal coil of this world and passed beyond the "so bad it's bad" purgatory. You will groan with disgust and cry with joy. Watching Warlock: The Armageddon is the closest a guy will ever come to giving birth. Embrace the madness.

October Horror Fest #19: HATCHET

The tagline says it all. This is an old-school American horror movie, and it comes with all the good and bad things associated with the genre. Writer/Director Adam Green definitely knows his subject well, and it's obvious that this isn't a slick Hollywood money-grab. The story succeeds in establishing a new icon in the Freddy/Jason/Michael vein, albeit with a bit less staying power. The trailer, which was made as a pitch to solicit funds to make the feature length film, does an excellent job of setting the mood, tone and overall feel of what Hatchet is all about.



Hatchet is everything a slasher should be. Some dumb girls get topless, a killer stalks the woods and picks off victims one by one, and the blood flows with no compromise. Movies like this get made every year, but this one has something that sets it above the rest: a heart. Green understands what makes a good scary movie, and that's immediately apparent in every aspect of the film. The characters are firmly established, even the expendable ones. Everyone has a story, and that's the essential component.

There are some horror icon cameos from Tony Todd(Candyman) and Robert Englund(Nightmare On Elm Street), plus Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees in Friday The 13th 7-11) pulling double duty as both Victor Crowley and Crowley's father in flashbacks. The rest of the cast is relatively anonymous, but they all play their parts well and convincingly.

The one drawback here is the idea that, as competent as Hatchet is, it could have been better. There's a bit too much campy humor, and while the kill scenes CGI-free and inventive, they feel a little too set up. It's nearly impossible to make a slasher movie unpredictable, but there are ways to make it a little less so. Still, this is a highly entertaining movie with high replay value. Any horror fan worth his or her salt needs this in their library.

October Horror Fest #18: THE BROOD

David Cronenberg found his first real success with The Brood. After underground cult favorites Shivers and Rabid, this film would cement his status as the godfather of "body horror".

Inspired by a bitter custody battle for his daughter at the time, The Brood explores subjects like parthenogenesis, psychotherapy and telepathy. Pretty high-concept for a horror movie, but Cronenberg is a master of balancing intelligent ideas with the bloody visceral thrills horror fans seek out. In this case, a woman under the care of an experimental psychotherapist (Oliver Reed) expresses her negative thoughts and desires through evil spawn-children she breeds in a secret facility.



This film works well on two levels. First and foremost, it is truly frightening to watch. Scary kids in horror movies these days are completely played out, but the titular little devils in The Brood aren't some little Asian ghost kid in an elevator. They're more like tiny devil Terminators, created and driven by a single force. Imagine the manifestation of all your deepest, most diabolical thoughts in the bodies of a group of 7-year-olds. That's scary.

Second, the film forces you to dwell on some uncomfortable thoughts, like what your mind's potential really is. A patient in the facility develops lymphatic cancer as a result of his deep self-hatred. Another breaks out in welts all over his body, a manifestation of the pain caused by his father's abuse. Thirty years after this film we still have only a limited understanding of what our brains are capable of. Are these ideas so far-fetched?

The film drags a bit here and there, but overall it's an excellent example of Cronenberg's talents. You'll find yourself cringing whenever a character enters a dark room, knowing an evil creature that's almost a child is hiding somewhere inside.

October Horror Fest #17: THE MONSTER SQUAD

Many of our most cherished cinematic moments are from childhood; the first movie you went to see in the theater, or something the whole family would watch every Christmas. Me, I remember the Saturday morning movie on WB 11. In October it was usually a horror movie; I remember being scared shitless by Poltergeist II and Rawhead Rex. But this same Saturday time slot also brought the two best "kids scary adventure" movies into my life: The Goonies and The Monster Squad.

It didn't quite have the impact of the Spielberg-produced classic from two years before, but definitely had a lot going for it: directed by Fred Dekker (House, Night Of The Creeps), written by Shane Black (the Lethal Weapon series) and the magic touch of special effects wizard Stan Winston (Terminator, Aliens, Predator, every awesome movie ever).

The story is fun and original, much like The Goonies: a group of neighborhood kids discover Van Helsing's diary, and find out that a secret amulet holds the key to keeping evil in limbo. Every 100 years, the amulet is vulnerable to forces of darkness, and that just happens to be tomorrow night. A man bursts into the local police station screaming that he's a werewolf, a mummy disappears from the local museum, and Dracula is blowing up the kids' treehouse. Time to kick ass!



After 20+ years and the fact that this is really a kid's movie, The Monster Squad really holds up well. The creature effects are brilliant, there are classic lines galore ("The Wolfman's got nards!" "I thought you were a virgin! Well, Steve doesn't count.") and all the young actors play their parts perfectly. One forgets sometimes that these are young kids, and good acting isn't easy. Also of note is Duncan Regehr's portrayal of Count Dracula' many consider it to be the best portrayal of that character on film. Not bad for a kid's movie.

Sadly, a movie like this wouldn't succeed if it were released today. It seems like MTV, Pixar and the Twilight franchise have a stranglehold on the tween audience. But that's what a cult film is all about; staying below the radar and building a dedicated following. That's what The Monster Squad has done over the years. It was finally released on DVD in 2007, and has enough special features to satisfy every fan of this great movie.

October Horror Fest #16: NEAR DARK

It's about time to counter all the Twilight bullshit. Vampires that sparkle and don't suck blood? Are you kidding me?? Do me a favor: if you're over the age of 13 and read these books or go to see these movies, find a knife and run into it. Repeatedly.

Here's a real vampire movie, one of the new that don't mince around. Near Dark is bleak, visceral and unrelenting. No prancing Euro-trash fems here; despite the word "vampire" never being spoken, these bloodsuckers are the real deal. All thirst and no remorse. When a small-town Texas teen runs into a pretty girl one night, their makeout session doesn't exactly turn out all too well. Soon he's looking more pale than usual and has a real problem with sunlight. The girl's traveling dysfunctional brood reluctantly takes him into their fold, and the blood flows.



The theme of vampirism as a metaphor for addiction has been explored before and after this film, but Near Dark is by far the best example of it. Falling in with bad people, the cop at the bus station cornering Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) to see "what he's on", abandoning of the family - it all fits. The desolate rural Texas setting amplifies the atmosphere; overbearing sunlight during the day keeps the "family" in dark corners and limits most travel to cold, lonely nights.

Bill Paxton is at his best when he's playing either an asshole or a psychopath; as the maniacal wild-card Severin, he's both. It's a wonder that a vampire so off his rocker is still going after 100+ years. Lance Henriksen doesn't usually play the bad guy, but as the leader of the brood here he does it perfectly. Charming and humorous, but remorseless and ultimately a dead end for anyone that crosses his path.

Like all great horror films, this one is driven by the strength of its characters. It even has some morals to it - Caleb's love for his family leads to his salvation. Director Kathryn Bigelow has had a limited but excellent career; after this she went on the direct Point Break, K:19 - The Widowmaker and this year's The Hurt Locker, by far the best film made yet about the Iraq War. Apparently a Near Dark remake is in the works, but until then enjoy this one. The best vampire movie of the last thirty years.