Tuesday, October 11, 2011

5 Talented Actors Who Just Can't Say No

I know, things are tough all over. Even millionaire actors need to eat. Wait, what? Whatever the reason, some thespians feel the desire to shit on their own legacies from time to time. Or, in the case of these five examples, a lot of the time. Here are five actors that need to fire their agents.


So, you're Ghandi. You have memorable roles in Schindler's List and Searching For Bobby Fischer. What's your next move? Play a hapless scientist in alien killer sex-babe clunker Species? Sure, why not? It's all good, you redeem yourself by playing one of the all-time great cinematic assholes, Don Logan, in the criminally underrated and unseen Sexy Beast. Wait, who's on the phone? Oh, it's Uwe Boll. He wants you to star in BloodRayne. You know what? Throw The Love Guru in there too. Jesus, man. Stick with Scorcese (Shutter Island, the upcoming Hugo) from now on.


Holy cannoli, where to start? I guess when you star in two of the greatest films of all time in the same year (Heat and Casino) you lose all ability to choose good roles to play. Seriously, what since Ronin has lived up to anything before it? Rocky & Bullwinkle? Righteous Kill? Parents, Fockers, where does it end? Sad, really.


While Christopher Walken has found a new generation of fans with his stints on Saturday Night Live, his film output hasn't been nearly as impressive; it's funny, but in a "your dog has cancer" way. OK, so it's not really funny at all. Anybody catch Click? Balls Of Fury? Gigli??? Walken tempers his bad choices with occasional great roles (Catch Me If You Can, Kill The Irishman) but the man needs more cowbell, less horseshit.


Wilson and his brother Luke started off evenly with the enjoyable and interesting Bottle Rocket; while Owen didn't end up bloated and doing phone provider commercials, his C.V. reads like a bipolar patient's mood swings. For every Royal Tennenbaums there's a Shanghai Knights, for every Wedding Crashers a rom-com Kate Hudson abomination. The voice of Marmaduke, dude? Was that necessary? Other than a great turn in Woody Allen's recent Midnight In Paris, Owen Wilson looks like he might end up joining his brother in corporate-shill hell.


If you have to ask, you'll never know.

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