A paradox...

Everyone bitches about "best of" lists, but all the same people eat them up like rock candy laced with crack. It's more like an excuse to unleash their awesome taste and superior opinions on the masses. I've done them, and I'm bored as shit with them. But there's a little bit of OCD nagging deep in my cerebellum, so I feel like I need to throw something out there. In lieu of rattling off a bunch of movies/albums/whatever from 2009, here are a few things from the past year I really enjoyed:

Best Beard Metal Album of 2009: KYLESA - Static Tensions


Yeah, I said it. Better than Baroness, Mastodon, 16, and whatever other sludge you can sling my way this year. Kylesa have discovered the perfect storm of riffs, melody and song structure that their peers just couldn't seem to find. This is the South on the rise.

Funniest new TV show of 2009: THE LEAGUE


F/X has been a reliable source for original programming for years, and The League keeps the winning percentage high. Success with shows like this come down to two things: good writing and comedic timing. If you haven't seen the "Mr. McGibblets" episode yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? Watch it here. Now.


Best movie of 2009: Inglorious Basterds


Oh shit, I went there. Yeah, The Road and Sherlock Holmes haven't come out yet, but it doesn't matter. Nothing I saw or will see this year can touch the pure cinematic joy of this film. The ghosts of Peckinpah and Sturges haunt the dark corners of this movie. Humor, despair, horror, and redemption woven through some of the most memorable war-movie characters since The Dirty Dozen. You can't go wrong.

The Dead Zone...not the good one.

Yes, we've officially entered the Bermuda Triangle of cinema. Summer blockbusters are gone, which is a relief this year because there was a lot of suck to go around. October came and went without any good horror flicks (in wide release, anyway; if you haven't seen The House Of The Devil yet, get your ass to Mars).

What we have now is empty space until The Road comes along to force a hand down your throat and bring up turkey bile the day after Thanksgiving. (That's a good thing, by the way.) Even more frustrating is that there are some awesome movies out right now that happen to be playing nowhere near the tri-state area. Here are the best 3 films playing in select markets this weekend.

Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans

Nicloas Cage smoking crack, threatening old women with a .44 and dancing lizards. Do you really need another reason to see this? OK, I'll give you two; no, three: director Werner Herzog and Eva Mendes' boobs.



A Serious Man

Joel & Ethan Coen are by far the best film-making duo in cinema; their track record proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt. There hasn't been much coverage for this film, and it's not their best, but it's better than Burn After Reading and definitely worth seeing.



Black Dynamite

Everything about this movie is awesome. Blaxploitation films are even more enjoyable now, in our PC world gone mad. Michael Jai White takes everything great about them and puts it into one baaaad mothafucka. The fact this isn't playing in NYC right now is a crime. If you have a sense of humor and a soul, there's no way you won't love this movie.

October Horror Fest #30: MAY

One of the most promising directors in horror to have come along in the past decade is Lucky McKee. His sense of style and storytelling hearkens back to the heyday of Carpenter, Romero and Hooper. May, his second feature, is a tightly written and brilliantly executed film that follows the titular character on a descent into subdued madness.

Angela Bettis, in a career-defining role, is May, a lonely and painfully shy twentysomething that works in a local vet hospital. Through flashbacks we find that she's had a difficult upbringing and can't relate to people. Her delicate, vacuum-sealed world is cracked when she meets a "perfect" guy (Jeremy Sisto) who has the potential to break her out of her shell and bring her into the real world. A creepy twist shatters the balance and sends May into a downward spiral.



Equal parts Carrie and Cronenberg, May has the atmospheric tension of a stage play. There is no real protagonist, as May becomes more entrenched in her madness, and supporting characters that had no redeeming qualities to begin with start becoming parts for May's grand scheme.

The scariest idea the film brings up is that this is all totally possible. How many of us knew that one girl or boy in school, the antisocial loner, made fun of and ignored daily? What happens to them when they grow up and nothing changes? May could very well be someone you know, just outside your peripherals, waiting patiently for the right person to come along.

Music review: KALIYA - Demo 2009

Just in time for Halloween, here's some terrifying grindcore straight from Texas. KALIYA lean to the angry, piss-and-vinegar hardcore side of grind. Think Kill The Client, Defeatist and Hatred Surge. The three tracks on their Myspace sound just about perfect, production-wise; they're clean and clear without being slick, which is pretty rare for grindcore. The fact they recorded these songs live makes this all the more impressive.

The songs are all around the three-minute mark, longer than the usual grind outing, but this is a good thing. There are dynamics and melodies that recall musical peers like Gaza and Blacklisted; instead of just barked vocals and blast beats, there are actual hooks that make each song memorable. "Choke" and "The Reason", specifically, have well thought out song structures and riffs that other bands calling themselves "hardcore" should check out. "Brotherhood" sounds like a tractor trailer pile-up, speeding along with Slayer-like ferociousness until it crashes into a sludgy breakdown sing-along refrain at the end.

These demo recordings have expectations set to HIGH for the future. Here's to hoping we'll be hearing more from Kaliya in the very near future.

Myspace

October Horror Fest #29: TRICK 'R TREAT

I had heard good things about this movie, but after just watching it now I have to say: this is the best movie about Halloween since Halloween. It really is the quintessential film for the holiday. I don't think I can say enough good things about Trick 'R Treat.

A lot of it has to do with the holiday itself. For me, being a horror fan is directly connected to childhood memories, specifically those from October 31. Whether it was running around the neighborhood for candy, looking for mischief with friends, or scaring myself out of my mind with horror movie marathons after trick-or-treating, the Halloween atmosphere captures that. I think I've been trying to relive those memories in scary movies ever since.

Writer/director Michael Dougherty seems to feel the same way. Trick 'R Treat takes place in a fictional small town in Ohio, but it could be any American suburb, mine or yours. A costume parade, decorations everywhere, and intertwining storylines (a la Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt) concerning those things that go bump in the night.



Unlike its slick Hollywood counterparts, this movie delivers genuine scares and off-the-wall absurdity in an even measure. Nods to the classics are plentiful, but it never comes across as a rip-off or hackneyed. These are original stories (albeit based on a short cartoon Dougherty made in the 80s) and they are executed brilliantly. If Pulp Fiction was a horror movie, Trick 'R Treat would be it.

It's too bad that more people won't get a chance to see this movie. Not only was its release pushed back two years, it went straight to DVD. Meanwhile, mindless shit like Saw VI is #2 at the box office right now. It's a crime. I was going to save this review until Halloween, but I want as many people as possible to check this out. I have no apprehension in saying this is the best horror film of 2009. Go get it!

October Horror Fest #28: INSIDE

I've gotta hand it to the French lately; they are pumping out some seriously good horror films. High Tension, Martyrs, Frontier(s), and this little slice of home invasion terror. These movies are bringing fresh ideas to old standards, and it makes me sad that filmmakers of this caliber are so hard to find in America. The glut of awful PG-13 remakes and "reboots" in this country is not helping them. But for the time being, vive horreur français!

As I mentioned, the plot of Inside is fairly standard for a horror film. A woman is home alone on Christmas Eve, and someone is trying to break in and kill her. The twist is that the woman is extremely pregnant and the person trying to kill her is also a woman. Who just happens to want the baby that's inside her.



Despite being bloody and brutal, what truly sets Inside apart is the tension built throughout the film. The paranoia and unrelenting dread recalls other excellent films with similar elements like Halloween and the original Black Christmas. Beatrice Dalle plays the killer (simply known as "The Woman") and succeeds in being both repulsive and alluring, not unlike the Aunt Ruth character in The Girl Next Door.

This is not an easy film to watch, especially for any woman who may be pregnant. This might sound like a prescription drug warning, but the graphic violence directed towards a woman with child is about as extreme as horror can get. It reminds why we like scary movies to begin with: the primal rush of fear, and true horror hits close to home.

October Horror Fest #27: SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Ray Bradbury is arguably America's greatest living short fiction writer. Since the Forties, he has created fantastic tales of science fiction, fantasy and horror that never seemed to stray too far from our familiar lives. He was particularly adept at capturing the innocence and vibrancy of youth, and that is readily apparent in his novel-turned-screenplay Something Wicked This Way Comes.

Two young boys are drawn to a mysterious traveling carnival that has arrived in their town. Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) is the ringleader, and promises the boys and others that he can make their childhood fantasies come true...for a price.



Disney would never make a movie like this now. It's dark, scary, and very well done. Bradbury adapted his own work for the screen, a surprisingly rare occurrence in filmmaking and a credit to the movie. There are some great performances from the young actors, as well as screen legends Pryce and Jason Robards.

Unfortunately, very few Bradbury adaptations have proved effective. This is by far the standout work. All his odd characters and visual cues are on full display here; the theme of the novel is the basic struggle between good and evil, and director Jack Clayton captures that without being too overbearing. Like Monster Squad and Gremlins, this is a film that has strong ties to childhood and the wonder we had for the world around us. It's great at any age.

October Horror Fest #26: TRICK OR TREAT

Sometimes, a movie can't live up to the coolness of its marketing campaign. Look at that poster; this movie should be badass, right? A rock and roll horror flick with Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osborne? You can't lose! Well, yeah, you can.

What's tragic is that this could have been a horror-metal masterpiece. Caught up in the PRMC-music censorship frenzy of the time, this movie was a middle finger to Tipper Gore & Co. A metal idol, Sammi Curr (basically Blackie Lawless, who was originally set to play the part) dies in a hotel fire. His biggest fan, Eddie, is heartbroken and goes to his DJ buddy (Simmons) for consolation. What he gets is an unreleased Curr record, and when he plays it backwards...party time!



So you have Fastway doing all the original songs, metal legends playing various charcaters, an evil undead metal singer killing everyone off, and Satanic messages coming from the turntable. What could top that? Atrocious acting and lame special effects, that's what. But who cares? This movie is hilarious. Metal fans, especially, will get all the inside jokes and references. (Keep an eye out for the posters on Eddie's bedroom walls.) This is the kind of movie that should be playing during your Halloween house party. It's way out of print on DVD, but that's what eBay is for. Rock out.

October Horror Fest #25: WILD ZERO

The tagline says it all: "Thrill, Speed and Stupid Zombies". It's a bit misleading, because Wild Zero takes a while to actually get going. Is there a plot? Kinda. Something about rockabilly kids, rock club managers in short-shorts and zombies activated by a meteor. It's Japanese, don't try to figure out what's going on. Just roll with it.



For a self-proclaimed "Rock & Roll Jet!" movie, I would expect way more explosions and nudity. But the movie does deliver in a lot of ways. Guitar Wolf, "the greatest rock band in the world", play themselves, helping out fanboy Ace fight off zombies and get the girl. Actually, this movie is kind of like a 100-minute music video. It's comprised of multiple sections rather than a cohesive storyline.

These are real-deal zombies too, the stumbling kind that hunger for flesh. There's a little too much CGI blood towards the end, but overall the effects are pretty fun and visceral. Crack open some beers and enjoy.

October Horror Fest #24: DON'T LOOK NOW

Criminally underrated and almost always overlooked in most horror overviews, Don't Look Now is a superb psychological thriller on par with Jacob's Ladder and The Shining. There in an unrelenting sense of unease and dread that develops right from the beginning and never really lets up.

Donald Sutherland, in one of his finest performances, is an American vacationing in Venice with his wife (Julie Christie) after the accidental death of their young daughter. They are visited by blind twin sisters, one of whom is a psychic and insists their daughter is still alive. John Baxter (Sutherland) refuses to believe her, but soon starts having psychic flashes of his own and slowly loses his grip on reality.



This is a film I always try and recommend to people. The acting is brilliant; there's actually a long-standing legend that the sex scene between Sutherland and Christie wasn't simulated. How's that for effective? The city of Venice is beautifully captured by the cinematography. Its decaying architecture is the consummate metaphor for Baxter's slow decent into paranoia. The strong use of symbolism is also very well utilized and adds an element of film noir to the film. Another must-have film, not just for horror fans but anyone who lives cinema.