A guide to watching movies from the 80s.

The market for nostalgia has grown exponentially for years now. It's not really a surprise; combine the cyclical nature of popular culture and trends with the great American dream and BAM! Instant marketplace. But lately it seems that a good chunk of this revenue comes from the irony savings account; that is, people wearing clothes and listening to music or watching movies because they think it's funny, and wanting other people to know they do these things because it's funny.

Needless to say, I am not one of these people. Are you? Here's a quick test:

1. Have you worn a classic thrash metal band's t-shirt without actually having ever listened to said band?

2. Do you shop for clothes at Goodwill and/or Salvation Army despite having a trust fund?

3. Do you have a subscription to Fader?

If your answer to any of these is "yes"...

OK, so that's out of the way. If you're still here you're cool with me. So let's move on to a nostalgic subject near and dear to me: the films of my youth, the glorious 1980s. I Love The 80s? Fuck that, I am the 80s.

There are a few things one should know right from the beginning:

Just as an object in motion tends to stay in motion, an 80s film with J.T. Walsh tends to be an 80s film with J.T. Walsh as The Bad Guy.

This actually extends pretty far into the Nineties, too. If you're watching a movie and J.T. Walsh is in it, chances are you know who the bad guy is going to be.

Also, I think it's safe to say most people are intimately familiar with the classic Schwarzenegger/Willis/Gibson flicks from back then. Honestly, if you're an American under 40 and can't quote something from Predator, Die Hard, or Lethal Weapon, I'm inclined to think you may be a clone. Or a robot. Or a robot clone! However, there are other heroes of this decade that might look familiar, but never quite achieved the fame and notoriety of their 80s peers.

Michael Dudikoff


That's right, he is THE American Ninja. Dudikoff was definitely a badass in his time, so much so that he made 3 additional American Ninja movies to show everyone how badass he was. He was also the star of one of the great lost films of the 80s, Avenging Force. The fact that this film doesn't have a major DVD release is a crime.

Jan-Michael Vincent



It was hard to top the awesomeness of Airwolf on TV back in the day. Renegade pilot with a super-advanced battle copter? Suck it, Knight Rider. JMV also found his way into awesomely horrible classics like Defiance, Enemy Territory and, um...Demonstone.

I could write a book about the countless number of horror movies the Eighties pumped out, how new genres were created, how careers were launched, etc. It's been done to the point of exhaustion, so why bother? This is what you need to know: if Barbara Crampton or Linnea Quigley is in the movie, you're almost guaranteed to see them topless.

Just a thought...

Wrote this back in January, decided I'd put it here. Enjoy.


Like everything else in our culture, music moves in cycles. What was once the height of popularity becomes passé, until the inevitable retro-kitsch revival comes along and breathes ironic life back into it. Heavy metal is not immune to these phases, but it does suffer from a bit of identity crisis. Here in America, the general populace thinks of metal in terms of its Eighties heyday; most think metal self-destructed with Guns ‘n Roses and was delivered a death blow by Nirvana and Pearl Jam. Watch any VH-1 special, and you’ll hear the lamentation of washed-up glam-rock imbeciles, crying over the decline of the good old days. Fuck that.

Below this façade of musical ignorance lies two groups; music people that know metal never went away (and don’t care), and die-hard metal fans. Fans of actual metal. People that know Venom and Celtic Frost and Possessed led to Slayer and Death and Mayhem, which led to Pantera and Sepultura and…well, you get my drift. But now, whispers of the end-times drift through even these inner metal circles. Some point to the rash of classic bands reuniting over the last five years (At The Gates, Carcass, Heaven & Hell, etc.) and see it as a cash grab before this decade’s metal “boom” subsides. Others observe the dozens of sub-sub-genres splintering under the heavy metal banner as some kind of musical apocalypse, akin to fundamentalists bemoaning the EU as the first sign of the end of the world. Still others cry foul (or in some cases “untrue”) at the popularity of so-called “hipster metal” bands: The Sword, Saviours, even Mastodon.

What’s confusing to me is that these people should know better. Actually, they should go one step further and shut the fuck up already. Haven’t we seen and heard this before? If heavy metal has one defining characteristic, it’s survival. The bands and fans have been dragged through the mud, accused of everything from sexual deviancy to first-degree murder. Unfortunately, some of those accusations have proven true, especially in Norway. But think about that; there is a metal genre that is best known to the world as a group of musicians who kill each other and burn down churches…and it’s still going, stronger than ever.

Are there changes on the horizon? Of course. The cyclical nature of music and culture still applies here. The real question is, will it be for better or for worse? 2008 produced a large amount of incredible albums and exciting new bands in extreme music. 2009 has an even sunnier outlook. Well, as sunny as heavy metal can be. The Debbie Downers that have sprung up recently would do well to check out the recent releases from Nachtmystium, Withered, Javelina, Wetnurse and Soilent Green (among many others), and see that not only is metal doing just fine, but some of its best bands are coming from our own soil. So get out your extra-black vintage Dissection long-sleeve and throw some horns; this shit is here to stay.