5 Talented Actors Who Just Can't Say No

I know, things are tough all over. Even millionaire actors need to eat. Wait, what? Whatever the reason, some thespians feel the desire to shit on their own legacies from time to time. Or, in the case of these five examples, a lot of the time. Here are five actors that need to fire their agents.

BEN KINGSLEY


So, you're Ghandi. You have memorable roles in Schindler's List and Searching For Bobby Fischer. What's your next move? Play a hapless scientist in alien killer sex-babe clunker Species? Sure, why not? It's all good, you redeem yourself by playing one of the all-time great cinematic assholes, Don Logan, in the criminally underrated and unseen Sexy Beast. Wait, who's on the phone? Oh, it's Uwe Boll. He wants you to star in BloodRayne. You know what? Throw The Love Guru in there too. Jesus, man. Stick with Scorcese (Shutter Island, the upcoming Hugo) from now on.

ROBERT DE NIRO



Holy cannoli, where to start? I guess when you star in two of the greatest films of all time in the same year (Heat and Casino) you lose all ability to choose good roles to play. Seriously, what since Ronin has lived up to anything before it? Rocky & Bullwinkle? Righteous Kill? Parents, Fockers, where does it end? Sad, really.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN


While Christopher Walken has found a new generation of fans with his stints on Saturday Night Live, his film output hasn't been nearly as impressive; it's funny, but in a "your dog has cancer" way. OK, so it's not really funny at all. Anybody catch Click? Balls Of Fury? Gigli??? Walken tempers his bad choices with occasional great roles (Catch Me If You Can, Kill The Irishman) but the man needs more cowbell, less horseshit.

OWEN WILSON


Wilson and his brother Luke started off evenly with the enjoyable and interesting Bottle Rocket; while Owen didn't end up bloated and doing phone provider commercials, his C.V. reads like a bipolar patient's mood swings. For every Royal Tennenbaums there's a Shanghai Knights, for every Wedding Crashers a rom-com Kate Hudson abomination. The voice of Marmaduke, dude? Was that necessary? Other than a great turn in Woody Allen's recent Midnight In Paris, Owen Wilson looks like he might end up joining his brother in corporate-shill hell.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON


If you have to ask, you'll never know.

Show review: Alcest @ Cafe Nine, New Haven CT

Whenever black metal elitist pricks get angry, it makes me smile. Alcest has been doing a good job of that since 2007, with the release of the shoegazey, ambient slice of heaven "Souvenirs d'un autre monde". It's not troo or kvlt, and that's pretty much what I look for when I'm listening to this stuff.

This project is really a one-man band; Neige (also of Peste Noire and Amesoeurs) writes and records all the instruments and vocals himself. For this, Alcest's first American tour, Neige hired some of the guys from his other bands to fill out the lineup.

What I was most interested to see is how (or if) the band could match the atmosphere and ambiance of the album. It's a very "open" record, which is one of its strengths. It's drenched in echo and recalls the countryside, open fields of flowers and all that. Cafe Nine is extremely small, but ironically the tight quarters made the songs better. The drums were loud but not overpowering; Neige and the hired-gun rhythm guitarist complemented each other perfectly. What makes Alcest truly engaging live is how effortless they make everything look. These songs are complex and layered; the band makes it seem easy.

Being French, stage banter was limited to several quiet "Thank you"s from Neige. Even if English was their first language, the post-rock/shoegaze jams don't really lead to cracking one-liners or any stereotypical frontman quips. There was no feedback between songs, only silence from the enraptured crowd. There was a girl in the audience that flew in from Denver for this show; that's what this music means to some people. I'm fairly certain that everyone there knows they were part of something special.

Film Review: Crazy Heart

Everything about this movie screams "Oscar fodder", and maybe it is, but that doesn't prevent Crazy Heart from being a fantastic piece of work. Jeff Bridges owns the lead role; he's not so much acting as living the part of Bad Blake, an aging journeyman country singer trying desperately to hold on to something that resembles a future. Part of the film's appeal is its simplicity; the previous sentence sums up the plot. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's predictable, but from the start this is obviously a redemption story. You might know what happens next, but it's how the characters get there that keeps you involved.

Many people have referred to this as a country music version of The Wrestler, and there is some merit to that. Bad Blake is over the hill, broke, and doing gigs that are beneath him. Along the way he meets a woman (more on that in a bit) that gives him a glimmer of hope, but like everything else in his life it goes wrong.

No one but Jeff Bridges could have played this role. His appearance is full-on Nick Nolte: disheveled, haggard and rambling. The fact that Bridges is a singer/guitarist himself helps tremendously during the band scenes. There's nothing I hate more in a movie than when an actor obviously has no clue what to do with an instrument. Bridges delivers Blake's lines like I imagine he would if you were to meet him on a street corner in real life. Crazy Heart has that '70s indie cinema downer feel, the lovable loser audiences have been rooting for since Paper Moon.

Robert Duvall and Colin Farrell turn in great supporting roles; Farrell was unexpected (he wasn't top-billed and barely glimpsed in the trailers) and only in two scenes but showed that when he wants to be, he can be a great actor. He plays Tommy Sweet, Blake's popular protege and sonic rival. The music itself should be considered a lead role; T-Bone Burnett crafted some amazing songs for this movie, and both Bridges and Farrell sung the songs in the film.

The only gripe I have is Maggie Gyllenhaal as Jean, Blake's love interest. She's an OK actress but, as a friend once put it, her face looks like it's painted on a kneecap. I suppose the bar shouldn't be set too high though, considering Blake is a 57-year-old alcoholic burned-out country singer.

First-time director Scott Cooper has set the bar high for his future; not since P.T Anderson's Sydney has a director shown so much potential right out of the gate. Cinematographer Barry Markowitz must be given his due as well. The large expanses of open country are captured beautifully, giving the film almost a Western feel at times. And really, that's what Crazy Heart is: a lone cowboy, searching the land for redemption.

Film Review: Youth In Revolt

Michael Cera has built a pretty successful career around being awkward. From Arrested Development to Superbad to this film, playing the gawky kid has worked to his advantage. Even though it was only released a few weeks ago, Youth In Revolt has all but disappeared from theaters and hasn't even recouped the cost of production yet. Odd, considering I would say this is Cera's best acting performance in film to date. Let me explain.

Most people want to see the Michael Cera from Year One, another George Michael Bluth character to set up in awkwardly funny scenes. There is plenty of that in Youth In Revolt, but it's everything else that will turn off the masses. Really, if you describe his Nick Twisp character to the average moviegoer ("he's a sixteen-year-old who loves Sinatra and Fellini, and he makes fun of futurist poetry!") they're going to be confused, not amused.

But a big part of why this movie works is that it wasn't made for everyone; it really feels like it was made for writers. The characters speak with an overly-abundant vocabulary for no particular reason, everyone writes in journals and lines are delivered with all kinds of wordplay. The plot is simple enough - eccentric boy meets eccentric girl, girl rejects him, boy creates psychopathic split personality - but it takes the old standard story and puts it through a grad school writing group. Think of it as a nerdy teenage Fight Club.

Unfortunately Youth In Revolt will probably get lumped in with the lesser Napoleon Dynamite, but it's so much more than your typical "quirky indie comedy". The pace and timing are spot on, and with dialogue like this - "I'll only ask once that you and your adorable sweater step away from the door. " - it's a necessity. Zach Galifinakis, Fred Willard and even Justin Long turn in great supporting roles, and Ray Liotta apparently reprises his Asshole Cop role from Observe & Report. See this movie.

A paradox...

Everyone bitches about "best of" lists, but all the same people eat them up like rock candy laced with crack. It's more like an excuse to unleash their awesome taste and superior opinions on the masses. I've done them, and I'm bored as shit with them. But there's a little bit of OCD nagging deep in my cerebellum, so I feel like I need to throw something out there. In lieu of rattling off a bunch of movies/albums/whatever from 2009, here are a few things from the past year I really enjoyed:

Best Beard Metal Album of 2009: KYLESA - Static Tensions


Yeah, I said it. Better than Baroness, Mastodon, 16, and whatever other sludge you can sling my way this year. Kylesa have discovered the perfect storm of riffs, melody and song structure that their peers just couldn't seem to find. This is the South on the rise.

Funniest new TV show of 2009: THE LEAGUE


F/X has been a reliable source for original programming for years, and The League keeps the winning percentage high. Success with shows like this come down to two things: good writing and comedic timing. If you haven't seen the "Mr. McGibblets" episode yet, what the fuck are you waiting for? Watch it here. Now.


Best movie of 2009: Inglorious Basterds


Oh shit, I went there. Yeah, The Road and Sherlock Holmes haven't come out yet, but it doesn't matter. Nothing I saw or will see this year can touch the pure cinematic joy of this film. The ghosts of Peckinpah and Sturges haunt the dark corners of this movie. Humor, despair, horror, and redemption woven through some of the most memorable war-movie characters since The Dirty Dozen. You can't go wrong.

The Dead Zone...not the good one.

Yes, we've officially entered the Bermuda Triangle of cinema. Summer blockbusters are gone, which is a relief this year because there was a lot of suck to go around. October came and went without any good horror flicks (in wide release, anyway; if you haven't seen The House Of The Devil yet, get your ass to Mars).

What we have now is empty space until The Road comes along to force a hand down your throat and bring up turkey bile the day after Thanksgiving. (That's a good thing, by the way.) Even more frustrating is that there are some awesome movies out right now that happen to be playing nowhere near the tri-state area. Here are the best 3 films playing in select markets this weekend.

Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans

Nicloas Cage smoking crack, threatening old women with a .44 and dancing lizards. Do you really need another reason to see this? OK, I'll give you two; no, three: director Werner Herzog and Eva Mendes' boobs.



A Serious Man

Joel & Ethan Coen are by far the best film-making duo in cinema; their track record proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt. There hasn't been much coverage for this film, and it's not their best, but it's better than Burn After Reading and definitely worth seeing.



Black Dynamite

Everything about this movie is awesome. Blaxploitation films are even more enjoyable now, in our PC world gone mad. Michael Jai White takes everything great about them and puts it into one baaaad mothafucka. The fact this isn't playing in NYC right now is a crime. If you have a sense of humor and a soul, there's no way you won't love this movie.

October Horror Fest #30: MAY

One of the most promising directors in horror to have come along in the past decade is Lucky McKee. His sense of style and storytelling hearkens back to the heyday of Carpenter, Romero and Hooper. May, his second feature, is a tightly written and brilliantly executed film that follows the titular character on a descent into subdued madness.

Angela Bettis, in a career-defining role, is May, a lonely and painfully shy twentysomething that works in a local vet hospital. Through flashbacks we find that she's had a difficult upbringing and can't relate to people. Her delicate, vacuum-sealed world is cracked when she meets a "perfect" guy (Jeremy Sisto) who has the potential to break her out of her shell and bring her into the real world. A creepy twist shatters the balance and sends May into a downward spiral.



Equal parts Carrie and Cronenberg, May has the atmospheric tension of a stage play. There is no real protagonist, as May becomes more entrenched in her madness, and supporting characters that had no redeeming qualities to begin with start becoming parts for May's grand scheme.

The scariest idea the film brings up is that this is all totally possible. How many of us knew that one girl or boy in school, the antisocial loner, made fun of and ignored daily? What happens to them when they grow up and nothing changes? May could very well be someone you know, just outside your peripherals, waiting patiently for the right person to come along.

Music review: KALIYA - Demo 2009

Just in time for Halloween, here's some terrifying grindcore straight from Texas. KALIYA lean to the angry, piss-and-vinegar hardcore side of grind. Think Kill The Client, Defeatist and Hatred Surge. The three tracks on their Myspace sound just about perfect, production-wise; they're clean and clear without being slick, which is pretty rare for grindcore. The fact they recorded these songs live makes this all the more impressive.

The songs are all around the three-minute mark, longer than the usual grind outing, but this is a good thing. There are dynamics and melodies that recall musical peers like Gaza and Blacklisted; instead of just barked vocals and blast beats, there are actual hooks that make each song memorable. "Choke" and "The Reason", specifically, have well thought out song structures and riffs that other bands calling themselves "hardcore" should check out. "Brotherhood" sounds like a tractor trailer pile-up, speeding along with Slayer-like ferociousness until it crashes into a sludgy breakdown sing-along refrain at the end.

These demo recordings have expectations set to HIGH for the future. Here's to hoping we'll be hearing more from Kaliya in the very near future.

Myspace

October Horror Fest #29: TRICK 'R TREAT

I had heard good things about this movie, but after just watching it now I have to say: this is the best movie about Halloween since Halloween. It really is the quintessential film for the holiday. I don't think I can say enough good things about Trick 'R Treat.

A lot of it has to do with the holiday itself. For me, being a horror fan is directly connected to childhood memories, specifically those from October 31. Whether it was running around the neighborhood for candy, looking for mischief with friends, or scaring myself out of my mind with horror movie marathons after trick-or-treating, the Halloween atmosphere captures that. I think I've been trying to relive those memories in scary movies ever since.

Writer/director Michael Dougherty seems to feel the same way. Trick 'R Treat takes place in a fictional small town in Ohio, but it could be any American suburb, mine or yours. A costume parade, decorations everywhere, and intertwining storylines (a la Creepshow and Tales From The Crypt) concerning those things that go bump in the night.



Unlike its slick Hollywood counterparts, this movie delivers genuine scares and off-the-wall absurdity in an even measure. Nods to the classics are plentiful, but it never comes across as a rip-off or hackneyed. These are original stories (albeit based on a short cartoon Dougherty made in the 80s) and they are executed brilliantly. If Pulp Fiction was a horror movie, Trick 'R Treat would be it.

It's too bad that more people won't get a chance to see this movie. Not only was its release pushed back two years, it went straight to DVD. Meanwhile, mindless shit like Saw VI is #2 at the box office right now. It's a crime. I was going to save this review until Halloween, but I want as many people as possible to check this out. I have no apprehension in saying this is the best horror film of 2009. Go get it!

October Horror Fest #28: INSIDE

I've gotta hand it to the French lately; they are pumping out some seriously good horror films. High Tension, Martyrs, Frontier(s), and this little slice of home invasion terror. These movies are bringing fresh ideas to old standards, and it makes me sad that filmmakers of this caliber are so hard to find in America. The glut of awful PG-13 remakes and "reboots" in this country is not helping them. But for the time being, vive horreur français!

As I mentioned, the plot of Inside is fairly standard for a horror film. A woman is home alone on Christmas Eve, and someone is trying to break in and kill her. The twist is that the woman is extremely pregnant and the person trying to kill her is also a woman. Who just happens to want the baby that's inside her.



Despite being bloody and brutal, what truly sets Inside apart is the tension built throughout the film. The paranoia and unrelenting dread recalls other excellent films with similar elements like Halloween and the original Black Christmas. Beatrice Dalle plays the killer (simply known as "The Woman") and succeeds in being both repulsive and alluring, not unlike the Aunt Ruth character in The Girl Next Door.

This is not an easy film to watch, especially for any woman who may be pregnant. This might sound like a prescription drug warning, but the graphic violence directed towards a woman with child is about as extreme as horror can get. It reminds why we like scary movies to begin with: the primal rush of fear, and true horror hits close to home.