Tuesday, October 20, 2009

October Horror Fest #20: WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON

I didn't think I'd be reviewing any movie worse than Children Of The Living Dead or Pieces, but you can't pass up a golden opportunity like this.

Julian Sands is a bad motherfucker. You can tell, because he has a skullet and a British accent. Oh, and he's also the son of Satan. Apparently, there's a few rocks you gotta play with if you want to bring Papa Beelzebub up out of the basement.

If you want ridiculous, you're in for a treat. Cohesive plot? Nope. Cool special effects? Your iPhone can make better ones. Wearing a stone, looking at the moon and being instantly impregnated by Satan? You bet your sweet ass.

The first Warlock actually isn't that bad a movie. You don't expect much, and it doesn't deliver much. But this is Mystery Science Theater 3000 quality stuff right here. You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to find someone overacting as hard as Julian Sands does in this movie. Jesus Christ, he's shooting dudes with his finger and spouting Wild West one-liners afterward. And keeping a straight face. Leave it to a Brit to try and make a z-grade sci-fi/horror thriller into Shakespeare.

Yes, this film is terrible. But it's also awesome. It has slipped the mortal coil of this world and passed beyond the "so bad it's bad" purgatory. You will groan with disgust and cry with joy. Watching Warlock: The Armageddon is the closest a guy will ever come to giving birth. Embrace the madness.

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