October Horror Fest #4: CHILDREN OF THE LIVING DEAD

Being a horror movie fan means sifting through a lot of shit. For every great scary flick that gets made, there's about twenty godawful abominations. I'm not in the habit of recommending bad films, but Children Of The Living Dead needs to be seen, if only so I'm not alone.

I bought this on DVD in a rare moment of impulse; I had never seen in, nor knew anything about it. There were 3 indicators that compelled me to grab it:

1. It's a zombie movie.
2. The cover looked cool.
3. Tom Savini is in it.

How can you go wrong? Well, you can. Horribly, horribly wrong.



Looks cool, right? It starts off promising enough; some grave robbing, a badass main zombie with great makeup effects, and Sex Machine kicking all kinds of undead ass. Then the movie hits the ten minute mark, and it all goes to shit. There's some dumb kids traveling through town in a van, a la The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and you're actually pulling for the zombies to kill them because they're so goddamn unlikeable. The head zombie, an evil preacher or something (hard to tell because the exposition makes no sense) goes from destroying everything in his path to shambling around the rest of the movie. I'm not kidding; there's scenes where it's just this guy staggering through the woods or a field, not doing a damn thing.

This one comes dangerously close to crossing the line from "hilariously bad" to "painfully bad". Some decent action, kills and Tom Savini save it from being a complete failure, but just by a hair. If anything, it can inspire would-be zombie filmmakers. Someone invested money in this pile of shit, so why not yours?

October Horror Fest #3: DOG SOLDIERS

Dog Soldiers not only succeeds as a horror film, but as a film period. Director Neil Marshall says it best: "This isn't a werewolf movie with soldiers, this is a soldier movie that happens to have werewolves". Masterfully directed, well acted, and featuring some of the best non-CGI effects seen in a long time, this is arguably the greatest debut for a horror film director since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

A group of British grunts are dropped into the Scottish wilderness for war games against a rival unit. Several of the main characters have some good, gritty conflict going before any blood is shed. When the opposing team is found slaughtered, the soldiers find themselves hunted by a pack of big-ass lycanthropes and hole up in an isolated farmhouse. That's when things get really good.



I really can't say enough good things about this movie. The dialogue is spot-on, and is complimented by the great performances from a somewhat-unknown (at least to us in the US) cast. If there are any computer-driven effects, I can't find them, The werewolves are as realistic as you can imagine, realistic and huge. They never wear out their welcome, which is a trap too many horror films tend to fall into. Marshall knows that fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all, and he keeps his audience on its toes.

As great as the action/kill scenes with the werewolves are, it's the human element that pushes this film from 'decent' to 'outstanding'. Each character has a real personality and is memorable in his or her own way. The conflicts that arise once the group has barricaded themselves in are just as dangerous as the beasts creeping around outside. If you haven't seen this movie, clear your Netflix queue and make it happen. There's rumor of a sequel in the works (of course) but in the meantime Neil Marshall's follow-up to Dog Soldiers, The Descent, is also required viewing for any fan of well-made horror flicks.

Good werewolf movies come along once in a blue moon. (Sorry, I had to.) This is the best one since The Howling. Yeah, I said it!

October Horror Fest #2: TENEBRE

Any self-respecting horror fan these days has seen a few Argento films, and at least know a bit of what he's about. His movies are pretty much a wet t-shirt contest: awesome to look at, but not much else going on. That isn't to take away from what he's accomplished, though. The cinematography, camerawork and set design in classics like Suspiria and Deep Red is second to none, not to mention the gory special effects that kept the fans coming back for more.

Tenebre's plot is fairly derivative of the giallo genre: best-selling author goes to Rome, serial killer uses scenes from said best-seller as inspiration, creepy characters and nudity follow. It's not one of Argento's best-known films, but it has its merits.



The familiar black-gloved unseen killer is in full effect here, slashing his/her way through victims in scenes that are, to be frank, set up pretty ridiculously. How else do you explain a girl getting dumped in the middle of the street by a mad boyfriend, only to be chased by a raging Doberman through random backyards until she ends up in the killer's lair!? But as I mentioned before, when in comes to dear old Dario, plot and acting skills always take a back seat to kill sequences.

There are those who have said Argento is a misogynist; apparently, these people don't watch slasher movies too often. True, there are some fairly vicious death sequences contained here, but pretty girls have been getting offed in horrible ways since the Universal cycle of monster movies in the Thirties. The cat-and-mouse played here between the killer and the author (Anthony Franciosa) is a small step up from the generic whodunit; there are several well-placed red herrings, and even serious mystery fans will have trouble guessing the killer's identity before the reveal.

Argento enlisted the skills of Italian ambient soundscape rockers Goblin to score Tenebre, as he had throughout his 1970s/80s prime. The main theme is effective and haunting, and was recently covered by the excellent Finnish death-doom metal masters in HOODED MENACE. (You can listen to it at their Myspace here.)

This isn't Argento's best work, but it's certainly not his worst. Innovative camera angles, gaudy 80s Roman sets and a scene-chewing John Saxon all add to the film's charm. The one big drawback to this DVD version, like the rest of Anchor Bay's Argento releases, is the lack of subtitles for the original audio track. The dubbing is abysmal. Still, check this out if you can. It was the first Argento film I ever saw and it quickly led to the works of Fulci, both Bavas and the other Italian splatter maestros.

October Horror Fest #1: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

This 1988 classic was a welcome departure from the repetitive slasher flicks that were dominating the horror genre at the time. The plot was simple enough: group of horny high school kids decide to have a Halloween party in abandoned, possibly haunted funeral home. Seance occurs. Demoniacal hijinks ensue!



The story isn't exactly original; it's been done before, and plenty of times since. What sets Night Of The Demons apart is some good cinematography, several memorable characters, decent acting and, most importantly, great special effects. There was actually a bit of controversy surrounding the movie; hard to believe now, but it was turned down by just about every U.S. film distributor due to its violence and gore. The release was pushed back from September to October until a European distributor picked it up. The gore in the movie will seem extremely tame to any horror fan these days, but at the time its notoriety just amped up ticket sales. It was moderately successful and led to 2 decent sequels...and the inevitable remake, which comes out this month.

Now unless you get really frightened by scary movies, Night Of The Demons isn't going to be keeping you up at night. Like most 80s horror flicks, this works best with a group of friends and alcohol. There are some classic lines ("Yeah, man, eat a bowl of fuck! I came to party!") and exchanges, like this one in a 7-11 before the party:

Suzanne: Do you guys have Sour Balls?
Convenience Store Clerk: Why sure we do.
Suzanne: Too bad. I bet you don't get many blow jobs!

Suzanne is played by the aforementioned Linnea Quigley, so you know what to expect there. There's also a somewhat random demon-possessed dance sequence set to a Bauhaus song. Did I mention this was an 80s movie?

This really is a notch above most other horror flicks of the time. The production value is high despite a modest ($1.2 million) budget; Hull House, the haunted setting for the party, is convincing and actually pretty scary. Plus the token black kid doesn't die first, or even second! Keep an eye out for the mean old guy with the apples. He gets what's coming to him.


(Watch the whole thing on Youtube here.)

October: the best month of the year.

I love New England and being a New Englander. Warm summers, snowy winters, and perhaps best of all, crisp falls. Namely, the month of October. This is the time of year that drives tourism photography. Foliage in full effect, pumpkin patches, you know the drill. I like that stuff too, but what does it for me are three things: football, a nice Stone Fence, and horror movies. Autumn just brings out the scary around these parts, and it's not just Halloween. It's the Salem witch trials, the real haunted houses, and just about everything Stephen King has ever written. It's Lovecraft, Poe and Hawthorne. For me, the weather and vibes just go along with watching scary movies.

So, in honor of October, I'll be screening and reviewing a different horror movie each day of the month. Most of these will be films I've already seen and know well, films that might not be that well known to others that deserve some attention. However, there are movies coming out this month, both on DVD and in theaters, that I'll try to work into this as I go.

So check back each night for your daily dose of the scary stuff, come up with some drinking games, and enjoy.

A guide to watching movies from the 80s.

The market for nostalgia has grown exponentially for years now. It's not really a surprise; combine the cyclical nature of popular culture and trends with the great American dream and BAM! Instant marketplace. But lately it seems that a good chunk of this revenue comes from the irony savings account; that is, people wearing clothes and listening to music or watching movies because they think it's funny, and wanting other people to know they do these things because it's funny.

Needless to say, I am not one of these people. Are you? Here's a quick test:

1. Have you worn a classic thrash metal band's t-shirt without actually having ever listened to said band?

2. Do you shop for clothes at Goodwill and/or Salvation Army despite having a trust fund?

3. Do you have a subscription to Fader?

If your answer to any of these is "yes"...

OK, so that's out of the way. If you're still here you're cool with me. So let's move on to a nostalgic subject near and dear to me: the films of my youth, the glorious 1980s. I Love The 80s? Fuck that, I am the 80s.

There are a few things one should know right from the beginning:

Just as an object in motion tends to stay in motion, an 80s film with J.T. Walsh tends to be an 80s film with J.T. Walsh as The Bad Guy.

This actually extends pretty far into the Nineties, too. If you're watching a movie and J.T. Walsh is in it, chances are you know who the bad guy is going to be.

Also, I think it's safe to say most people are intimately familiar with the classic Schwarzenegger/Willis/Gibson flicks from back then. Honestly, if you're an American under 40 and can't quote something from Predator, Die Hard, or Lethal Weapon, I'm inclined to think you may be a clone. Or a robot. Or a robot clone! However, there are other heroes of this decade that might look familiar, but never quite achieved the fame and notoriety of their 80s peers.

Michael Dudikoff


That's right, he is THE American Ninja. Dudikoff was definitely a badass in his time, so much so that he made 3 additional American Ninja movies to show everyone how badass he was. He was also the star of one of the great lost films of the 80s, Avenging Force. The fact that this film doesn't have a major DVD release is a crime.

Jan-Michael Vincent



It was hard to top the awesomeness of Airwolf on TV back in the day. Renegade pilot with a super-advanced battle copter? Suck it, Knight Rider. JMV also found his way into awesomely horrible classics like Defiance, Enemy Territory and, um...Demonstone.

I could write a book about the countless number of horror movies the Eighties pumped out, how new genres were created, how careers were launched, etc. It's been done to the point of exhaustion, so why bother? This is what you need to know: if Barbara Crampton or Linnea Quigley is in the movie, you're almost guaranteed to see them topless.

Show review: Down/The Melvins/Weedeater, Webster Theater - Hartford CT

I don't have a job. There's currently about 8 dollars to my name. I have a bruised calf muscle and the blood is pooling in my foot like a zombie; standing for too long makes it hard to walk, and most likely won't help my recovery time. However, there are some things that supersede such shitty situations. This show, for one.

This show took care of some issues for me; namely, the fact that bad luck has prevented me from catching both The Melvins and Down live multiple times. It seemed fate had intervened again when the morning after I bought the ticket I took a spill at work and screwed up my leg pretty good (sorry for the confusing medical jargon). There was no way I was going to let some petty nuisance like being broke or a leg injury get in the way of sludge salvation.

This gig was supposed to include Evil Army as openers, but for whatever reason they weren't there. Bummer. I was definitely looking forward to checking them out live, as I've been enjoying the hell out of their self-titled debut. (They're also signed to Down frontman Philip Anselmo's label Housecore Records).

Weedeater is a southern sludge powerhouse. I don't know if it was just the sound or where I was standing, but the guitar and bass tones were just short of indistinguishable from each other. Somehow, that was a good thing. Dixie Dave Collins was stomping and kicking throughout the set, having a pretty damn good time from the looks of it. Their cover of Skynyrd's "Gimme Back My Bullets" was nothing short of fucking stellar. To be honest, I didn't think much of this band until recently. Their newest album, God Luck And Good Speed, started to convert me but this performance sealed the deal. I'm a fan.

What can one say that hasn't been said about The Melvins? Well, I have to say I haven't been too impressed with their recent output. Others have agreed with me but, upon hearing that I had yet to see them live, were unanimous in telling me "Dude, you have to see them on stage!". Reflecting on it now, that's an understatement. They came out to the theme from The A-Team, so they were already winners in my book. This band is larger than life, in both sound and presence. They had Jared and Coady from Big Business in tow, which meant two drummers. Not many bands can get away with that, which is why few even try. The Melvins not only get away with it, they fucking move to a tropical island and declare their own country with it.
I'm pretty sure Buzz Osborne was wearing a skirt, and Jared Warren is the biggest hippie I've ever seen, Seriously, the guy is about seven feet tall.

Then, it was time. Not to get all cliche and sentimental, but sometimes there are those certain bands that you just instantly connect with, music that means more than just what's coming out of the speakers. Every riff, every song, you just...get it. Down is that band for me. At first glance, it doesn't make much sense. I'm a born-and-bred Connecticut Yankee that has never smoked weed. How could I be so into a band from New Orleans whose lyrics, nine times out of ten, are about getting or being high? Well, it's quite simple: the power of the riff compels me.

Bassist Rex Brown is MIA due to surgery, and it kinda sucked not having him there, but the dude filling in (name slip my mind now) was a fellow NOLA bro and did an excellent job. The band opened with "Hail The Leaf", and proceeded to tear through their three-album catalog with fire and brimstone. Most of the set was comprised of songs from NOLA and II, which was to be expected. The newest album has some great songs, but wouldn't pack quite the punch in a live setting. After being screwed out of seeing Down so many times before, every song just hit me with a wave of euphoria. "Lifer", "Ghosts Along The Mississippi" and "Eyes Of The South" were particular stand-outs.

There's about eighty years of collective experience between all the members of this band, and they know how to put on a show. Say what you will about Philip H., but there's just something un-fuck-with-able about this guy when he takes the stage. At 41 he's still in fighting shape and commands the stage like few people in music today, never mind metal. Kirk and Pepper are the K.K. Downing and Glen Tipton of sludge metal; if you know who I'm talking about, then you understand. This became even more apparent at the beginning of the encore, when after a badass version of "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (yes, Van Halen) Kirk began jamming "Grinder" (yes, Judas Priest) and Phil replaced "meat" with "weed". I am Jack's total lack of surprise.

Oh, the encore? "Temptation's Wings" into "Stone The Crow" into the most head-banging, horns-throwing, invisible-oranges-having song ever, "Bury Me In Smoke". I honestly could not ask for more from a show, a band, or anybody, really. I forgot about life for a few hours and walked in the light of the path.

Film review: Rob Zombie's Halloween II

OK, let's get something straight here, right off the bat: I am a horror film supernerd. I watch, collect, read and write about them. I know who directed what and, sometimes, who was supposed to direct what and why they didn't. I guess this can be applied to film in general, but horror flicks hold a special place in my blackened heart.

That being said, most of my fellow scary movie junkies hate remakes, loathe them, and for the most part I agree. They tend to be generic, boring, predictable and, perhaps worst of all, PG-13. Now quite a few people have argued that even the original versions of these movies fall into those categories, which also holds some weight. Granted, those 70s and 80s midnight movies we grew up with tended to have low production values, shoddy acting and little in the way of plot. But the defining factor that made them so endearing to us, compared to today's slick Hollywood remakes, was heart. There were no focus groups, no Myspace pages, these were people with nothing but some hard-earned cash and a dream. They also tended to be fans themselves; find any old interview with John Carpenter or Wes Craven, these guys were big kids who loved scary movies.


Which brings us to the new Halloween II, written and directed by Rob Zombie. He's somewhat of a polarizing figure thus far into his career as a genre filmmaker; House Of 1000 Corpses and its companion film The Devil's Rejects invited plenty of criticism and critiques. It wasn't until Zombie decided to try his hand at re-envisioning John Carpenter's Halloween, arguably the best horror film of the last forty years, that genre fans really kicked into high gear with equal amounts of praise and derision.

Halloween II has little in common, aesthetically, with its predecessor. This is clearly an original vision and other than the film's title and characters, really has nothing to do with the Halloween franchise at all. I think that's a good thing, and it definitely works towards the film's favor. Zombie has created a darker, much more sinister world than previously seen in the of Haddonfield, IL universe. Whereas previous incarnations of Michael Meyers showed him to be somewhat detached and almost child-like in his pursuit of victims, the monster on display here takes his business extremely personally. There is genuine vitriol and hatred behind every thrust of the knife.



This film is tough to review without giving too much away (for those of you that care). A quick look at the credits or trailers, however, reveals that both Deborah Meyers and young Michael make appearances. Indeed, their roles in this film are open to multiple interpretations by the time the end credits roll. I could tell some people in the theater didn't get it; then again, they were the same kind of people that don't shut up during a movie, so take that with a grain of salt.

My one biggest complaint was the underdevelopment of certain characters. Malcolm McDowell was an excellent Dr. Loomis in the first film, but here his scenes were almost unnecessary and seemed tacked on as an afterthought. He is supposed to be the character we most sympathize with after Laurie Strode, yet here he comes across as an obnoxious prick. His redemption is in no way satisfying. To a lesser extent, Laurie's new friends had only a few scenes and were completely one-dimensional. I know, this is a slasher movie and people are just lined up for a slaughter, but I think it would have helped the plot development out a bit if these girls had some more going on.

All in all, this is a good film. Rob Zombie has a knack for dialogue, and definitely knows his way around a horror movie. I also think he should get away from established horror movies and strike out on his own. He has the talent and the potential to do great things. Unfortunately there are recent reports of Zombie in talks to do a remake of The Blob. Whether or not that comes to fruition, I think his best is yet to come.

GRIND YOUR FACE OFF

People throw around the term "once in a lifetime" quite a bit. Sometimes it's accurate, but more often than not it applies to something completely meaningless or arbitrary, like a late-night TV infomercial or a car sale. This was not one of those times.

Hmm, put the three (arguably) best grindcore bands of all time on one stage on one night? Yes, please. Everybody wins. Granted, as cool as it looks outside, the Brooklyn Masonic Temple isn't the best venue for this kind of sound. But if you're at this show, you know all the words already, right? The only real complaint was the odd "get drink tickets at one counter, then walk over to the bar table and get drinks" system. And how the hell do you run out of beer at a show like this?? This isn't some straight-edge hardcore show at the American Legion. Still, I must give praise to the cute bartender girl, because she gave me mixed drinks for beer ticket value.

I was going to do a standard show review and talk about which songs got played and how great the show was (and it was). But that's been done to death, and there's something I noticed around the web regarding this show that I wanted to address. Namely, all the hate. Whether it was people whining about the ticket price ($25) or how the Repulsion guys are dicks or actually saying this show was put together by a bunch of hipsters(!!!), I was amazed at the amount of snarky bitchiness. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth; I know we're in a recession and all, but claiming the admission price for this show was too high and the bands were selling out is the epitome of scenester bullshit. Hell, I've been more or less unemployed since November and I still managed to scrape together some cash to go. It was one of the coolest shows I've ever seen, no doubt. I'm amazed at how concerned people are at who else is listening to the music they listen to. For the record, and from what I could tell, this gig was relatively hipster-free, and even if it wasn't...who cares? Pig Destroyer blasting through Piss Angel and Loathsome destroys all that is false.

Decibel magazine and the people behind it continue to impress me, and I can only hope this is the beginning of more mind-grinding events. Keep it up, folks.

Just a thought...

Wrote this back in January, decided I'd put it here. Enjoy.


Like everything else in our culture, music moves in cycles. What was once the height of popularity becomes passé, until the inevitable retro-kitsch revival comes along and breathes ironic life back into it. Heavy metal is not immune to these phases, but it does suffer from a bit of identity crisis. Here in America, the general populace thinks of metal in terms of its Eighties heyday; most think metal self-destructed with Guns ‘n Roses and was delivered a death blow by Nirvana and Pearl Jam. Watch any VH-1 special, and you’ll hear the lamentation of washed-up glam-rock imbeciles, crying over the decline of the good old days. Fuck that.

Below this façade of musical ignorance lies two groups; music people that know metal never went away (and don’t care), and die-hard metal fans. Fans of actual metal. People that know Venom and Celtic Frost and Possessed led to Slayer and Death and Mayhem, which led to Pantera and Sepultura and…well, you get my drift. But now, whispers of the end-times drift through even these inner metal circles. Some point to the rash of classic bands reuniting over the last five years (At The Gates, Carcass, Heaven & Hell, etc.) and see it as a cash grab before this decade’s metal “boom” subsides. Others observe the dozens of sub-sub-genres splintering under the heavy metal banner as some kind of musical apocalypse, akin to fundamentalists bemoaning the EU as the first sign of the end of the world. Still others cry foul (or in some cases “untrue”) at the popularity of so-called “hipster metal” bands: The Sword, Saviours, even Mastodon.

What’s confusing to me is that these people should know better. Actually, they should go one step further and shut the fuck up already. Haven’t we seen and heard this before? If heavy metal has one defining characteristic, it’s survival. The bands and fans have been dragged through the mud, accused of everything from sexual deviancy to first-degree murder. Unfortunately, some of those accusations have proven true, especially in Norway. But think about that; there is a metal genre that is best known to the world as a group of musicians who kill each other and burn down churches…and it’s still going, stronger than ever.

Are there changes on the horizon? Of course. The cyclical nature of music and culture still applies here. The real question is, will it be for better or for worse? 2008 produced a large amount of incredible albums and exciting new bands in extreme music. 2009 has an even sunnier outlook. Well, as sunny as heavy metal can be. The Debbie Downers that have sprung up recently would do well to check out the recent releases from Nachtmystium, Withered, Javelina, Wetnurse and Soilent Green (among many others), and see that not only is metal doing just fine, but some of its best bands are coming from our own soil. So get out your extra-black vintage Dissection long-sleeve and throw some horns; this shit is here to stay.